love and hate

i'm torn between this two feelings every now and then. i hate myself, seriously.
my life is in a total mess. sometimes i just couldn't stand myself for being so emo.
lost the drive and focus in everything i do. and even if i'm doing something, i'm doing just to numb myself. i'm like a walking zombie.
ask me why i'm not going out? 'cause i'm sick of going out alone!
and even if i'm going out with friends, i hate people questioning about my love life! it's sickening to have to answer everything they asked.
i love you, but i hate you too. for all this shit.
i hate you even more for the things you did not do to me but doing well with her.
my heart is smashed into pieces every time i see it, no matter how tiny the matter is.
yes i'm very sensitive with the things going on around me right now!
a girl is still a girl. no matter how generous she's gonna be, there's always a limit.

please bear with me as i'm gonna be emo in this blog until god knows when.
i figured, maybe blog is the only place for me to rant things out. this is where i can be honest with myself. i don't have to hide my feelings. as i know i can't do so in real life.

chocolate

we've given holidays for a week. russian doctors aren't interested in teaching us foreigners anyway. so what's the point of staying here for practicals, huh? yes, i'm asking you, my beloved MMC. you stupid effing piece of shit for forcing us to do our practicals here! 

if it's not because of the practicals, i would have already gone back to m'sia.
i'm so bored and i can't find anything to do. guitar is slowly boring me away if i continue to play it. and i know soon i'm gonna have to find new hobbies.
the sun is good. 30 celsius for the 1st time in russia. but i find no interest in sunbathing. not in the mood i guess. 
too lazy to return my books to the library.

had a talked with dominic some days ago. and somehow the conversation triggers my mind and something i once said pops out.

'' i don't need chocolates, 'cause you're my chocolate bar. you give me endorphine.''

down memory lane

it was a fine evening chat at the basketball court. had a change of environment. got sick of going to the park everyday. and i didn't even wanna stay in the room. brought back memories at the basketball court. it's been almost a year since i last came here.
was fun seeing my unimates playing basketball. to me it was a nice way to spend my evening rather than watching dramas and doing nothing in the room.
i tend to notice every single lil' details going around, or is it me got so used to being a paramedic. i see lots of injuries even if it was just a friendly match.
but oh well..... do take care of your knee.

a bittersweet 4th year.

well, officially ended 4th year.
i don't think i need any celebration though. so what if i aced it all? so what if it's all 5? i used to be crazy over it, but now it doesn't matter to me anymore. it won't make me happy anyway. please don't congratulate me. i don't feel happy at all.

thank God for every single miracles that he made in my life, especially throughout these exams. seriously i thought i was gonna fail since i only managed to study for neurology like 20% of it.

even the sun today doesn't makes me happy either.

guess i'm just tired of putting on a fake smile.

better in time

we tend to take things for granted until we've completely lost what we had around us. and by the time you know how much it means to you, it's already too late.

i finally understand what it really means by losing someone/something precious and missing it.

yes indeed it felt like it was just yesterday. but in reality, it isn't.

isn't it funny, of how our lives can turn out to be?

now, i guess i shall close this chapter of my life, start writing a brand new one.

and the old chapter shall be kept as our memoir.

smile and move on

i'm glad that we've pour it all out eventually.
i feel better, even though it's just a 'hi'.
now that i've know the truth, i'm contented.
i actually found out that i've miss you so much and i miss talking to you.
i actually felt empty deep down, once again.

but somehow,
things got to move on.
there's no turning back.
all we need to do is keep going with our lives. keep moving forward.
make things better.

i know this is too late. but this is what i wanted it to be.
things happen for a reason.
i'm sorry for telling you so late.
i'm sorry 'cause i couldn't control myself from spilling it all out.
i'll make this the last time.
and conditions and promises are to be kept.

bleeding all over

keeping quiet doesn't mean i don't have anything to say.
i'm struggling with tons of thoughts in me but i just couldn't rant it all out.
i hate it, when i have something to say but i just couldn't express it out.
i shut up, doesn't mean i don't know what's happening all around.
i hate myself, for being so stupid all the time.
i hate myself, for not able to let go of my ego.
i hate myself, for not able to cry out when it's time to do so.
i hate myself, for asking myself how stupid i am everytime i see things that i shouldn't.
i hate myself, for telling a lie.
i hate myself, for pondering upon this even though others don't even give a damn on this shit and continue on their lives.
i hate myself even more, to actually believe in effing promises!
i hate myself even more, for not being the one to say end first.