bunch of shitfucks

you know what, i have no choice but to explode everything here.

i've had enough of staying silent. and you guys are just good with pushing faults to me.

i've had enough of you bitch bitching around. you think that i'm really stupid and i do not know what you've been doing around me? i'm a girl and my instincts are perfect. i don't really care how much you've been bitching about me behind my back, but if you DO have a problem with me, COME STRAIGHT TO ME AND SOLVE EVERYTHING UP. unless you're a freaking scardy cat. i assume you are since this is not the first time doing this  yea. 

and this is not the first time for you to actually promise something and then the next you freaking forget about it! SAY WHAT YOU MEAN BITCH!! and what do we call you for that? selfish? yea i think so too. and i guess the kiasu mentality makes you selfish? 

well you see, kiasu can be good or bad. you don't have to act like the dog in the manger in order to look smart and feel good about yourself. kiasu is a good trait, so use it wisely. i guess you're going the wrong way, girl. you're getting worse from the first day i met you.

what makes you so selfish? jealousy? or feeling intimidated? you just wanna be superior for once for seeing me falling down so hard?

I guess you don't even know what you did huh? let me tell you, if you've already invited someone to a festival, and when that person happily said yes she'd love to go, and then you said you'll inform her the time, THEN, the next day you freakin' went with others without her. and f.y.i this is not the first time you did to me.

IF i do this to you, how would you feel?!

and here comes this guy, this retard who once told me nicely, ''you know, you're my best friend and trust me, i will never ever abandon you.'' and then that coming summer, '' i love you!! (over the phone)'' 

sorry i thought that you were kiddin when you said that through the phone. and to be honest, i thought you were my best friend.

well the point is, IF YOU FREAKIN' FALL IN LOVE WITH ME, IT'S NEVER MY FAULT!! YOU DON'T HAVE TO IGNORE ME AND END THIS FRIENDSHIP AND HURT ME!!

and the best thing you did is, you pushed your problems away! when others asked why aren't you in good terms with me anymore, you just freakin said, ''well, people changed.'' easy on pushing faults eyh?! and people thought that i'm the bad one who's doing all the bad stuff around, changing friends here and there.

first, it's you bastard number 1!

second, it's you bastard number 2!

and bitch! you just like to hang around with them and pretend there's nothing happened! don't you?! happy?!

and bitch around stuff which is not true? does that makes you happy? then next came Jesus cleaning your sins so you won't die dirty?!

how many times when i say i wanted to join study group and then no one came telling me when it's already started?!
how many times you told me that 'oh we're going to this place, wanna join?' and the next thing i know is, i'm left behind.
and one of the bastard actually invited me to join him for the football league exhibition at the center for once! and because no one wants to go with him?!
and how many times i've mentioned that i wanted to buy that varsity sweater to this bastard and the next thing he went and buy it for himself without informing me?!
how many fucking times do i have to cover up for you guys when i was asked, why i didn't join you guys for photography? when the truth is, i wasn't even invited to any of the outing?! why? because you have a new junior following around? that it's more like a guys outing now? that you once fell in love with me and you're too embarrassed to ask me out for simple photog outing like that?!


i'll be the fucking best friend you need when you're lonely, then that fucking thrash when you're happy. isn't it?!

oh by the way, dear bastard number 1, if you want to be selfish , you don't have to drag me down as well. and till now i still do not understand why did i freaking listen to you when you asked me to keep silent about the UEFA exhibition. simply because you don't want too many m'sians to know about it. does that make you feel good?

the thing is, i've always been the one to be the first to approach when i know something's not right, any of the friendships. i dare to swear on this. and when i know i'm in the wrong i would apologize. the funny thing here is, when i asked whether i'm in the wrong, you guys claimed that it wasn't my fault and one of you did actually say that YOU'RE TOO SHAMEFUL TO TALK ABOUT THIS!! 

i mean, what the fuck is this?! 

and yea, i respect people and i expect people to do the same, maybe i expect too much from friends but that's just me. i expect people to treat me back the same way i do to others. i'm hard on this but i'm learning to loosen it.

any relationships are a two way street, so does friendship.

i'm never a selfish person, not even one who is jealous of everything, not even one who loves fight. i just want a simple friendship and then you guys complicate it.

and if you guys can be really this selfish, seriously, you're NOT FIT to be my friends (i just do not understand why i'm so sadden by this still). if you don't feel shame for youself, i feel shame for you guys.

MY ATTITUDE TOWARDS YOU DEPENDS ON HOW YOU'VE TREATED ME. do not blame me if i turn a cold shoulder on you.

and yea, if you ever wanted to apologize, please do not bake a cake and make it a big deal after that. a sorry cake is not a big deal and don't blame me after this! just because you bake a sorry cake doesn't mean that i have to feel guilty for making you doing that. if you think that it's such a big deal. sorry to say, without sincerity, that cake is just an empty tray and it tastes yucky.

AND THINK, IF I DO THESE SHIT BACK TO EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL? you bloody bunch of shitfucks!

period.

no guts to say 'i miss you'

see, i told you. it's never easy getting over it.
i'm supposed to be happy on new year. but thank god, at least i didn't spend it alone.

the thing is, when i get so attached in a relationship, even if it's just a friendship, things fall apart. friends changed.
and now i'm afraid of being so close to anyone. i chose to do everything on my own, going on a date with myself even though i badly need someone's company. i never liked being a loner, but i guess i have to.
i miss some of my friends, i dare not tell them. i wanted them to hang with me, but i just dare not approach anymore. or is it me giving up, for being always the first to approach. i don't know what's going on. i ended up lying to myself, ''hey look, they are busy with their studies, stop haunting them.''

it doesn't matter if it breaks me in a girlboy relationship, since that last shit's been almost 2 years and i'm not planning to get into one at the moment. but seriously, a failed friendship does hurt me. BADLY.
i just have to accept, that this is my weakest point. for those who've done this to me, congrats, you won.

so i guess that's why i turned myself into a shopaholic. owning stuff makes me really happy. and at least my pair of Docs are keeping me happy when i'm travelling everywhere alone.

Having the urge to shop. BADLY.

THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH.

First, you gave up on our friendship and treat me like a trash. Now, you come asking me how am i.

You know what. I'm gonna say I AM FINE. AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT WORTH BEING MY FRIEND.

Owh. And thanks so much for making me looking like a freak being isolated. And most important, for emotionally imploding.

:)

Some people gets away alive. Am trying hard to.

So many things have changed, and so do people. They come and go, and it makes me feel like i've been stagnant, or is it that i'm moving too slow.

Accept the fact that nobody would actually stop by and care for a second.

Just gotta keep moving. And for once just be selfish. No one would ever care anyways. What matters most is that it protects me from being hurt again.

Now that everything's back to square one. Just like how it was used to be. A loner will always be a loner. Maybe right now acceptance means giving up.

back to being a loner

it's a good start. a good week.
still, there's some uneasiness going around. i still couldn't get what my heart's been telling me.
am i doing the right thing?
why things just can't be simple?
should i shun myself away from all these, and be how i used to be.
to be foolish? or be selfish?

please don't force the monster out of me anymore.